ut It’s that time of year again that I spend several days a week driving to beautiful locations. Which means it’s a lot of hours in a car alone with nothing but music keeping me company. Turns out its such good company that on these drives I would always find a reason to go off my route home so that I can find some hidden beauties for the sake of finding beauty.
There is something about driving without direction that is so freeing. In a year of change, I’ve spent a lot of time driving down old roads with no direction other than what looked good at the time. Sometimes I have just left my house on a dreary afternoon just to drive in whatever direction that called to me. A few hours later I am back home after a long date with the road and my radio, and my heart is ready to focus. The anxieties have a habit of flying out the window if you drive fast enough.
Pick a direction. Get completely lost. End up exactly where you were supposed to be all along.
I don’t know if you need help finding direction in such a messy world. What works for me might not work for you. But if you need a place to start, I recommend jumping in the car with no GPS and see what happens.
Love sucks. Love in every compacity can really suck. Love means we will eventually end up with a broken heart for one reason or another. Someone might die that we love. We might start to dislike someone who we once adored. Someone can just walk away from you without reason and leave you crying picking up that broken heart up off the floor.
I’ve spent most of my relationships running on fear. Friendships and lovers fear was always the driving force. Fear was choking me through every decision I made with people. Would this make them leave? Would this make them think something negative of me? Would the tiniest action I made make them just leave and never look back?
These fears also made me lash out in anger. If I leave first they can’t abandon me. Seemed like a safe route.
It was also a route to a lot of regret and loneliness. How was I ever to find loving relationships if I didn’t believe it was actually possible? I was confident enough to believe in myself when it came to running a successful business in a competitive market. I was confident enough to believe in everything but my ability to love someone that would love me back.
When I heard “Like there’s no such thing as a broken heart” by Old Dominion it really simplified the path I needed to take. Sometimes it’s just certain words that finally make your brain click. Rather than living in a world of anxiety and distrust, why not just give your heart out because you want to, expecting nothing back?
We crash into each other. Just one day we are going about our business and we meet these connections in our lives. It could take years from the moment of meeting, but eventually we fall in love with those people in some way shape or form. Through those relationships we grow together. We grow apart. Sometimes we collide in such a way that the bond is broken.
I find myself completely changed by each of these connections. Whether I loved them for a moment, or my entire life. Whether I broke their heart or they broke mine.
Some changes have harmful. Some changes have changed the entire way my heart works. There have been many days that have passed in my 30 years that I was bitter about the way people I loved had changed me. As time has passed and I’ve matured into a woman I’ve learned that it all happened for a reason. I am grateful for all of the changes. Because as of right now I am truly happy for the first time in my life.
So truly happy. I may not have a lot of money right now. I may have a broken heart. I may miss a lot of people that have come and gone from my life. I may not have my dream body yet. But right now is good enough for me. I feel like I have spent most of my life in this fog of uncertainty and now I can finally see that God damn beautiful sun.