How to love an introvert (from a sensitive extrovert’s point of view)

Dear internet, I have something that I must admit to myself and the rest of the world.

I am the most extrovert of extroverts.

Communication is awesome to me.  The idea of going to fun events alone without anyone to share it with sounds incredibly lame. Why wouldn’t I want to share this incredible experience known as life with people I love? Why do I have to feel bad about this?

Why have I spent most of my life being called

Needy

Pushy

Too intense

Insecure

 

As an extrovert who is also an incredibly sensitive person, I feel every little shift in people’s personalities. And of course, being an extrovert I want to get people to talk about it. How can I make their day better? Did I do something to upset them?  I mean, I am not insecure here but also don’t want to be completely oblivious to people’s feelings around me. If someone mistook me as rude, I feel like I must know about it.  I also don’t want to withhold something cool that I think someone would find awesome too! Sharing is caring, right?

If you are an introvert reading this, you are probably already exhausted by this article imagining someone in your life like me.

Sorry, not sorry. 

 

However, I have found that in my life I have become the most attached to people that turn out to be introverts. Those introverts are just so wonderful to me. I mean, once I get passed a long time of feeling completely annoying to them, ignored, and shut out. Then they are so awesome!  No, for reals.  The relationships I have built with extroverts help me keep focused. They love me, but also have to retreat to recharge enough to help push me to keep focused on my goals.

I am that very weird, asshole extrovert that when I am focused on my work, art or goals, I put all of that magical energy that I usually put into conversations to whatever it is that I am working on.  So when I am around fellow extroverts, I tend to offend them and make them get put up with me because when it’s work time, it’s work time. However, the introverts I love usually are just excited they get a chance to plug in for recharge again because I come back and smother them with love and excitement.

 

Things I learned to Deal with as an extrovert :

 

  1. It is not personal when introverts ignore you.

    Yes. I have cried many times with my introvert loves ignored me.
    My dear friend Shelby will take off from my world for sometimes up to a week.  Do I freak out? Yes. Do I think I did something to make her hate me? Yes. Do I replay it in my head 900 times the last time we talked to make sure that I am not the asshole? Yes.  Did I try to convince myself that they must hate me because I would never ignore them unless I hated them? Yes.

    But there is something I don’t do anymore in this situation. I don’t try to make them feel like shit for just being themselves.

    It wasn’t even until the last year that I really understood the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. So I went pretty quick to judge these wonderful people in my life. It didn’t even cross my mind that the answer to their silence was anything other than them wanting to disconnect from me personally. I would call them out on ignoring my messages. Send insults. I would react instead of respond.  How could these people I adore possibly care at me at all if they are looking at my phone calls and messages and ignoring me? The only probable answer is that they decided I suck and that they hate me. Or if it was a man I was dating, I took it as they were clearly boning 10 other women.  Clearly.

    Rather than reacting to these silent treatments, I now respond.

    Not gonna lie, I still fuck this up a lot. I still have my doubts, but I don’t lose control of my feelings. And we know us little sensitive extroverts have so many of those.

    I responded with assuming the best in someone that just leaving them alone. Rather than feeling rejected, I told myself that they only had so much energy to give their days, that they were simply spent. They couldn’t give me what they knew I wanted.  With this fact, I decided to just trust that when they were recharged that they would return to me.  Go spend all that extrovert energy on someone else who was lined up with my energy level. Stop depending on anyone to make me happy.  The most I would send as a follow-up to these special introverts in my life is something cute and loving to let them know I was thinking of them and am excited to see them again whenever they are ready.

    The relationships I have had with introverts has improved so much since this simple correction.  I trust them more. I trust the world a bit more. I feel a bit more comfortable knowing that we are all so different and those differences need to be respected, rather than judged.

  2. Sometimes when introverts ask you to hang out, you just don’t need to talk the whole time.

    This one was something I realized very recently. Since I have decided to pull my own head out of my ass and be more observant and accepting of people’s patterns, I was able to learn some new lessons.  Once I stopped being so damn concerned with my feelings and expectations and realized that other people had different needs than me, I opened my eyes up a bit.

    When I ask to hang out, I assume there will be talking. And hanging out. Because I am an extrovert and need to talk. I think people want to hear me talk. Right?

    Ok, maybe not so much.

    Sometimes when an introvert asks you to hang out, they simply want your presence. Not so much all the thoughts and feelings that you want them to talk about. Not for you to pick their brain. They were able to muster their last bit of energy and spend it on you. Feel special.  Sometimes just hanging out and watching a TV show without talking is an ok thing. Laughing together. Snuggling. Whatever you do with your introvert lovebug. Don’t take it so personally when you keep trying to start the conversation and you can tell they are shut down.  Take it as a gentle sign that they just don’t have the energy for it at the time.  Just enjoy the physical time together and being able to just relax and check out.

  3. Shy people do not always mean they are introverts. Introverts can still be chatty, bubbly creatures too.

    So observe. For the longest time, I felt like all extroverts had to be like me. Loud. Outgoing. Talkative.  It was the shy, quiet ones that were introverts right?  Oh so wrong.

    One of my closest friends is very much an extrovert like me. Sometimes she puts the phone down for a few hours if she is stressed, but for the most part, she is very much chatting with me all day every day. She loves going out together and meeting new people. However, in person, she can come off a bit shy. And so I assumed she was clearly an introvert, which was so damn wrong.

    There are three little introverts in my life who I adore dearly.  All three of them I assumed they were just like me because in person we can chat for hours. They are outgoing and charming. They seem comfortable in meeting new people.   You know what else they do after they have had tons of social interaction with me and I am on cloud nine of social happiness?

    THEY WILL TAKE OFF FOR DAYS. 

    It’s been a struggle dealing with this. I took it so personally for so long. I assumed when the excuse came “oh things came up” that it was clearly a lie. They clearly just had better people to talk to and were trying to push me out of their lives. Or the always fun “I guess I am just annoying them this week” feeling. While it is totally understandable for me to have these feelings, I am still in the process of drilling into my head that it literally has nothing to do with me.  That in fact, my anxiety about these silent times would push my relationships further away.

    But they were so chatty just yesterday? Yesterday they said they were sad they had to go! Yesterday they loved me!!!!  Why God, WHY don’t these chatty, bubbly people like me not want to talk? WHY WOULDN’T THEY TALK?

    Oh, because they literally don’t have the fucks to give me. My sweet, beautiful introverts had been drained of all their loving fucks for me, and simply could not give.  This is literally none of my business, and it shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it did. It still bothers me to this day here and there, but once again it is about responding rather than reacting. It’s about trusting in your connection with them that they wouldn’t just leave you. Because trust me, they are just assuming you know that they love you.

     

  4. They need you to pull them out of their shell.

    I swear I’ve been told this.  So if any introverts are offended by this, I am sorry. But… not sorry.

    Because if it were up to my sweet beautiful introverts…. they would stay hidden in their house. And then weeks after not seeing anyone or having social interaction they would be very sad and then afraid to try to come and re-spark the connection.   So here I am, forcing them out of their shell because it is just so easy to hide out in there. Just like as an extrovert, it is so easy to just keep fucking talking and finding connections to distract you from your own mind.  These are my little introverts and I keep them social, while they keep me grounded a bit.

    So make sure you still set your standards, little extrovert. Just tell them that it hurts when there is a long, constant silence. Offer to just come over for a movie if you miss them.  Be patient. I repeat, Be patient.

    Or if you just don’t want that introverted personality in your life, it is totally ok to leave the relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means maybe this connection isn’t for you. 

    I am stubborn though, so I keep them around.

    Besides, Batman is an introvert and I wouldn’t stop wanting to kick it with him just because he had to hand out some vigilante justice for a few days.

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    Watercolor Batman Fan Artwork by Heather Elizabeth
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Why I chose to give up the 4 year college dream to work for myself

Why I chose to give up the 4 year college dream to work for myself Journal  photographer blog inspiration having faith freelance inspiration freelance blog female bloggers artist blogger artist blog

There is a typical American dream. Graduate high school, choose a college, meet a spouse in college, then graduate college and marry spouse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that dream.  It’s quite the happy, sweet dream that I have noticed works well for so many people. Their hearts are filled with joy. I should want that dream.

I guess I just never did.

I felt the pull of that dream for sure. There was the pressure from parents to go to college to get that desk job. Have that stable, happy paycheck. But from the age of 17, I was so against going with the norm that I was already choosing my own logo design company as my way of income rather than working at the local Blockbuster (remember those?). There was so much freedom in the house of working and creating for clients. While I was working sometimes 10 hours a day for not much pay, I felt fulfilled. I was making pretty things to help others succeed.

Society pulled on me a bit too much and I finally gave into the 9-5 job. It was consistent, good money as a graphic designer. My rent was always paid. My car payment was made. I always had weekends off to go get drunk and party with my friends. It was honkey dory. Then I started looking into getting into college. In the meantime, I took pretty photos of people for fun.

“Photography and art are just a hobby”, I told myself.

Be Realistic.

This is where the Universe came in and forced me to follow my inner desire to create art for a living.

You see, I was fired from that safe, 9-5 job. To this day I must admit I didn’t deserve to let go. I went above and beyond at that job and even dealt with a lot of sexual harassment.  The manager who took care of all the hiring was a very unhappy woman that fired all other women at the place of business within 6 months. So it was only by luck and the rest of the staff loving me I even kept that job for as long as I did.

If I am being honest, It wasn’t a perfect, positive transition from 9-5 consistent land to Freelance artist. It was a rather rough transition. Do I follow the path and go to college? Do I find another 9-5 and hope that they don’t fire me as well for no reason?  Rather than looking for the answers within myself, I decided the best course of action was to try to find those answers at the bottom of a shot glass at the local watering hole for a good few months. In case you are wondering, this is not the right way to go about finding your happiness.

One day in my pointless job search, I realized I don’t even care that much for graphic design. Photography was my heart and soul. It’s was made my heart race in anticipation. It was something that at the end of the day I was excited for the next day of art to be created. I had photographed my close friend’s wedding for fun a few months before and upon looking through the photographs, I realized that it was a really great experience.

It was scary, but I put it out there that I was going to be a freelance, self employed wedding photographer. I was going to tell stories with my camera. I was going to make people feel beautiful.

I mean, I had no fucking idea what the hell I was doing but I was going to dive in face first and see what happened. I let fear go for the first time in my life and told myself I was capable of this.  I was capable of working the hours that would give me the freedom to live a life of creation and adventure. I was going to do a job that was rewarding, even though while my friends were out partying, meeting boyfriends, having kids and getting married… I was working 12 hour days.

WHY THO, HEATHER?

Because a lot of people had died in my life.

Ok, sorry that was a bit morbid.

But really, I spent my life watching those I loved hustling for work. Hustling to make the all mighty dollar. They did the time in school, the army, whatever it was that was their training to put them in a job that would give them security. These people spent so many years doing this, they didn’t get any satisfaction out of life. They died young. These dreams of love and adventure turned to dust with them.

Fuck that. It wasn’t happening to me. My days were going to be led by what I wanted. I was going to take that trip on a day I needed an off day. I was going to spent my days working for that almighty dollar doing something that fed my soul.  Not only was I feeding my own soul, but I saw the incredible effect that I had on other people. My clients looked at their photos and they truly meant something. My kindness meant something. My ability to take their fear of their photograph being taken away meant something.   I was creating art out of their stories.

Yes, at times I wish I had taken the college route with the stable job. But I am happy that I never let fear take me away from what my soul really wanted. It wanted to be free. It wanted to do whatever the fuck it wanted when it wanted. It wanted to spend it’s days creating and inspiring.  And well, there just isn’t a college course for that.

Sure people think I just sit at home and my schedules are free. Sure people judge me on the fact that most days I am wearing yoga pants with my hair in a bun. Yes, people constantly say “must be nice” when I am able to take week long trips because I feel like it.  Nope, I didn’t meet the amazing love of my life in college and I don’t have 1.5 kids right now with my white picket fence.

That is totally ok though. 

Because just like the line of work I chose, it may be hard but it’s worth it. It may be different than what most other people choose, but it fits me. And whatever lovers, events, and opportunities are coming my way thanks to this path I chose, I know it’s going to be perfect to fill me up with happiness.

 

Follow your heart, always. It may take awhile, but you will always see it was the right choice.

 

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A day in New York City on September 11th.

I talk a lot. I over talk. I am an extrovert by nature. 

On this day last year though, I didn’t have much to say.

My brother and I had two extra days in the state to go sight seeing. We didn’t plan it to be on the 15th anniversary of 9/11, it just happened that way.  In fact, it wasn’t until that morning at 4 am as I was getting ready to catch the train from Albany to the city that I realized even what day it was. I remember sitting in silence on the train. There was a fire fighter dressed in his formal clothes with his head down. You could see the heaviness on his shoulders.

Our train was ten minutes early. Us California kids were completely lost at where to go. When the clock hit 8:47am all we had to do was follow the bag pipes to find a crowd of people circled around a small flower memorial.

No words. I just watched.

Some of these photographs were taken by my brother. It was an incredibly powerful experience to be in this city on this day. While it was a beautiful and sunny day in New York City… you couldn’t help but feel that cloud of grief hanging over the island.

You also couldn’t help but feel the strength of love and the human spirit.

I will let the photographs do the rest of the talking.

 

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