Dear internet, I have something that I must admit to myself and the rest of the world.

I am the most extrovert of extroverts.

Communication is awesome to me.  The idea of going to fun events alone without anyone to share it with sounds incredibly lame. Why wouldn’t I want to share this incredible experience known as life with people I love? Why do I have to feel bad about this?

Why have I spent most of my life being called

Needy

Pushy

Too intense

Insecure

As an extrovert who is also an incredibly sensitive person, I feel every little shift in people’s personalities. And of course, being an extrovert I want to get people to talk about it. How can I make their day better? Did I do something to upset them?  I mean, I am not insecure here but also don’t want to be completely oblivious to people’s feelings around me. If someone mistook me as rude, I feel like I must know about it.  I also don’t want to withhold something cool that I think someone would find awesome too! Sharing is caring, right?

If you are an introvert reading this, you are probably already exhausted by this article imagining someone in your life like me.

Sorry, not sorry. 

However, I have found that in my life I have become the most attached to people that turn out to be introverts. Those introverts are just so wonderful to me. I mean, once I get passed a long time of feeling completely annoying to them, ignored, and shut out. Then they are so awesome!  No, for reals.  The relationships I have built with extroverts help me keep focused. They love me, but also have to retreat to recharge enough to help push me to keep focused on my goals.

I am that very weird, asshole extrovert that when I am focused on my work, art or goals, I put all of that magical energy that I usually put into conversations to whatever it is that I am working on.  So when I am around fellow extroverts, I tend to offend them and make them get put up with me because when it’s work time, it’s work time. However, the introverts I love usually are just excited they get a chance to plug in for recharge again because I come back and smother them with love and excitement.

Things I learned to Deal with as an extrovert :

1. It is not personal when introverts ignore you.

   Yes. I have cried many times with my introvert loves ignored me.
   My dear friend Shelby will take off from my world for sometimes up to a week.  Do I freak out? Yes. Do I think I did something to make her hate me? Yes. Do I replay it in my head 900 times the last time we talked to make sure that I am not the asshole? Yes.  Did I try to convince myself that they must hate me because I would never ignore them unless I hated them? Yes.

   But there is something I don’t do anymore in this situation. I don’t try to make them feel like shit for just being themselves.

   It wasn’t even until the last year that I really understood the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. So I went pretty quick to judge these wonderful people in my life. It didn’t even cross my mind that the answer to their silence was anything other than them wanting to disconnect from me personally. I would call them out on ignoring my messages. Send insults. I would react instead of respond.  How could these people I adore possibly care at me at all if they are looking at my phone calls and messages and ignoring me? The only probable answer is that they decided I suck and that they hate me. Or if it was a man I was dating, I took it as they were clearly boning 10 other women.  Clearly.

   Rather than reacting to these silent treatments, I now respond.

   Not gonna lie, I still fuck this up a lot. I still have my doubts, but I don’t lose control of my feelings. And we know us little sensitive extroverts have so many of those.

   I responded with assuming the best in someone that just leaving them alone. Rather than feeling rejected, I told myself that they only had so much energy to give their days, that they were simply spent. They couldn’t give me what they knew I wanted.  With this fact, I decided to just trust that when they were recharged that they would return to me.  Go spend all that extrovert energy on someone else who was lined up with my energy level. Stop depending on anyone to make me happy.  The most I would send as a follow-up to these special introverts in my life is something cute and loving to let them know I was thinking of them and am excited to see them again whenever they are ready.

   The relationships I have had with introverts has improved so much since this simple correction.  I trust them more. I trust the world a bit more. I feel a bit more comfortable knowing that we are all so different and those differences need to be respected, rather than judged.

2. Sometimes when introverts ask you to hang out, you just don’t need to talk the whole time.

   This one was something I realized very recently. Since I have decided to pull my own head out of my ass and be more observant and accepting of people’s patterns, I was able to learn some new lessons.  Once I stopped being so damn concerned with my feelings and expectations and realized that other people had different needs than me, I opened my eyes up a bit.

   When I ask to hang out, I assume there will be talking. And hanging out. Because I am an extrovert and need to talk. I think people want to hear me talk. Right?

   Ok, maybe not so much.

   Sometimes when an introvert asks you to hang out, they simply want your presence. Not so much all the thoughts and feelings that you want them to talk about. Not for you to pick their brain. They were able to muster their last bit of energy and spend it on you. Feel special.  Sometimes just hanging out and watching a TV show without talking is an ok thing. Laughing together. Snuggling. Whatever you do with your introvert lovebug. Don’t take it so personally when you keep trying to start the conversation and you can tell they are shut down.  Take it as a gentle sign that they just don’t have the energy for it at the time.  Just enjoy the physical time together and being able to just relax and check out.

3. Shy people do not always mean they are introverts. Introverts can still be chatty, bubbly creatures too.

   So observe. For the longest time, I felt like all extroverts had to be like me. Loud. Outgoing. Talkative.  It was the shy, quiet ones that were introverts right?  Oh so wrong.

   One of my closest friends is very much an extrovert like me. Sometimes she puts the phone down for a few hours if she is stressed, but for the most part, she is very much chatting with me all day every day. She loves going out together and meeting new people. However, in person, she can come off a bit shy. And so I assumed she was clearly an introvert, which was so damn wrong.

   There are three little introverts in my life who I adore dearly.  All three of them I assumed they were just like me because in person we can chat for hours. They are outgoing and charming. They seem comfortable in meeting new people.   You know what else they do after they have had tons of social interaction with me and I am on cloud nine of social happiness?

   THEY WILL TAKE OFF FOR DAYS. 

   It’s been a struggle dealing with this. I took it so personally for so long. I assumed when the excuse came “oh things came up” that it was clearly a lie. They clearly just had better people to talk to and were trying to push me out of their lives. Or the always fun “I guess I am just annoying them this week” feeling. While it is totally understandable for me to have these feelings, I am still in the process of drilling into my head that it literally has nothing to do with me.  That in fact, my anxiety about these silent times would push my relationships further away.

   But they were so chatty just yesterday? Yesterday they said they were sad they had to go! Yesterday they loved me!!!!  Why God, WHY don’t these chatty, bubbly people like me not want to talk? WHY WOULDN’T THEY TALK?

   Oh, because they literally don’t have the fucks to give me. My sweet, beautiful introverts had been drained of all their loving fucks for me, and simply could not give.  This is literally none of my business, and it shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it did. It still bothers me to this day here and there, but once again it is about responding rather than reacting. It’s about trusting in your connection with them that they wouldn’t just leave you. Because trust me, they are just assuming you know that they love you.

    

4. They need you to pull them out of their shell.

   I swear I’ve been told this.  So if any introverts are offended by this, I am sorry. But… not sorry.

   Because if it were up to my sweet beautiful introverts…. they would stay hidden in their house. And then weeks after not seeing anyone or having social interaction they would be very sad and then afraid to try to come and re-spark the connection.   So here I am, forcing them out of their shell because it is just so easy to hide out in there. Just like as an extrovert, it is so easy to just keep fucking talking and finding connections to distract you from your own mind.  These are my little introverts and I keep them social, while they keep me grounded a bit.

   So make sure you still set your standards, little extrovert. Just tell them that it hurts when there is a long, constant silence. Offer to just come over for a movie if you miss them.  Be patient. I repeat, Be patient.

   Or if you just don’t want that introverted personality in your life, it is totally ok to leave the relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means maybe this connection isn’t for you. 

   I am stubborn though, so I keep them around.

   Besides, Batman is an introvert and I wouldn’t stop wanting to kick it with him just because he had to hand out some vigilante justice for a few days.